What is Really Behind Control?

No mom wants to be known as controlling…

Yet, that’s what I was this weekend!!

Control oozed through my veins and as tight as a python on it’s prey, I was squeezing the life out of one of my oldest sons as I tried to control certain decisions in his life.

Truth is, it’s not easy to let go of our children and even when we’ve thought we’ve done it once, the process of letting go continues through each season of their growth and development.

At 1, we have to let them walk and fall and walk and fall.

At 4, we have to let them climb and slip and climb and slip.

At 7, we have to let them serve the milk and spill and serve and spill.

And on and on, the process continues.

We hold on and we let go.

My rude awakening of one more time learning to let go happened as this son (who is very curious and who shall remain anonymous) asked if he could go play poker at a casino!! Honestly, I wasn’t ready for that.

Immediately my mind started to think about the potential of developing an addiction and all the other temptations this can lead to. The more I thought about it, the more I held on tight and the more RULES and excuses I gave as to why he could not go.

And of course…the more I held on tight, the more he resisted being held and “fought” to be released from the grip of the controlling mother.

During the conversation, I even attempted to convince my husband I was right (his natural tendency is to let our sons fly- all the time. I on the other hand, only like them to fly with the good stuff). I raised my voice in confidence and even convinced myself that deciding he should not go was the right thing to do, because after all… I needed to protect him.

So having nearly choked my prey out of breath, I rested in the unrest of control and went to sleep.

The next day, the small still voice of wisdom guided me to examine my heart and put a name to my restlessness. The name was CONTROL.

“AH-HA!!!! I found you, culprit!”

So, control was found. BUT where did it come from? How did it take such power?

As I continued to internally analyze my motives, I found the culprit behind the culprit. Because you see…CONTROL IS THE MANIFESTATION OF A HIDDEN CULPRIT. The hidden culprit behind control is FEAR.

Fear of something happening to my son and losing him and watching him get hurt was at the root of my control. And fear is so deceiving and cowardly that it cannot manifest itself as such, rather it has to pretend to show up “strong” by controlling or manipulating.

But not in my house and not for a minute longer than to learn my lesson…


CONTROL IS THE MANIFESTATION OF A HIDDEN CULPRIT. The hidden culprit behind control is FEAR.



Shirley Solis, Tweet This

I found the fear, confessed it to my son and expressed how my control was rooted in fear. I asked for forgiveness and told him how much I love him and to please give me grace as I learn to walk in true love through this new stage of his life (and mine).

My opinions about his potential choice didn’t change, but my attitude and control towards him did. I once more expressed how I felt about what he was thinking of doing, but followed by telling him it was his decision.

No control. No fear. No resistance. He chose not to go.

I am sure as you read this, you’ve recently been faced or will be faced with wanting to hold on to your “chicks.” It is natural to want to protect them and love them and always have them near. It is not easy to let go as they get older, but it is the natural progression of life and we must accept it. If we happen to experience some resistance in letting go, watch out for control and fear and be aware of them. Whatever you do, don’t continue to squeeze the life out of your child because of your fear. Instead, recognize it, reveal it, disarm it and CHOOSE to love perfectly, because you and your children are worth it!

Question- Can you remember a time when you’ve been controlling and after reading this, you can attribute it to fear?

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